Runs In Transit

Category: Life in General

Adrift

Trying something new can feel like a shotgun to the head.

Buying something new is so easy.

Some days I have no idea what I’m doing.

Lack of direction filled by digestible mush. Not what I want yet so accessible.

When I was young everything was so clear.

Under the sun, with our imaginations, was all we needed.

I’ve got my nostalgia goggles on. It’s impossible to re-create.

Still searching.

 

Hello from Los Angeles

When I landed in L.A. one year ago, I saw a sprawling metropolis with lights as far as the eyes could see. It was exciting.

I settled into Pasadena. I became confined to a small radius the majority of the year. Some days I had no choice, some days I chose to stay home.

Being physically bound is not so bad if you like where you are. Being mentally confined is detrimental. The freedom to pursue your goals is offered to all Americans. What a shame when one cannot actualize those dreams.

Life is about acting upon ones will, and a rational mindset only makes that route more secure. Making smart decisions and planning for the future is not the end result. The dream I was sold didn’t prepare me adequately for the realities I encountered, but that’s okay.

I have every ingredient in the recipe book and I just need to stir them up. I’m about to go bowling with my colleagues. There’s no reason to do anything but have fun.

-Los Angeles, 2017

Hello from Ithaca

I hate myself. I see the worst in others. I see nothing good in myself.

Today I went up a bell tower. I listened to the chimes. It moved me and I wanted to cry. Life is so beautiful yet it’s passing by.

Each day I gain nothing. They’re empty and I float through. I keep waiting for that moment, but it never comes.

I used to be scared of the future. Now I just want to feel something today. Is it the chemistry of my brain? Or is it something else.

I feel like a failure. I want to escape. But I’m stuck. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

-Ithaca, 2014

 

After-work thoughts

Seratonin comes in waves. You can’t fight the tide. It’s easier to ride it and brace the ebbs and flows.

Occupying your time is the best way to avoid feeling down. It also makes your free time more fulfilling because you’ll squeeze more out of it.

An occupation doesn’t have to be a calling. It can be an interest or action that gives you a sense of purpose. The key is committing to something.

Having identity can be like a black box. It’s true that roles can be limiting, but for most people it’s an essential part of being in a comfort zone.

The mind forms  stronger connections than anything physical. The world is no match for a mind engrossed in someone or something across the globe.

Modern Caveman

There’s nothing stronger than an idea.

Sometimes it’s all we remember from interactions. Not the names, places, or faces. Often, the mere implication of an idea is stronger than any word itself. You see this when the chemistry between two people on a date suggests the course of their night.

When someone plants a powerful idea, it can change the direction of your life. It inspires and motivates, infecting the decisions you will make. The most influential people are those who propagated ideas, like Steve Jobs. They are remembered over those who merely created, the Wozniaks.

Thee greatest cities are just places where people shared ideas. The Florence of the Renaissance, the Silicon Valley of today. The same is true of events. Helen of Troy, the great Housing Crisis.

Humans have been shaped by ideas. Entertainment thrives because of this. Whether through movies, sports, or games, it all serves the same purpose. Ideas are the stories of our lives, which feed into a collective human story.

Can it also be our greatest weakness? Can we live and die by the stories that shape us? Do we need to distance ourselves from emotions that drive our narrative, if not once in a while?

Thinking about whether we are living our lives the right way is a stressful part of being human. A solution is yet another use of ideas; they offer an escape from reality.

It’s hard to stay grounded; it’s easy to lose yourself in dreams.

Every moment we’re asked to choose between a red pill or a blue pill. Does it matter? platonic_cave.jpg

Missteps

I’ve fucked up a million times and I’ll fuck up a million more. Coming to terms with that is difficult. It’s that soul-sucking, earth-shattering feeling when you want to throw up. When your reality is flipped and you’re helpless and any end feels like a good option.

I hate feeling like a lemon. I hate losing my dignity. I hate failing.

But it happens. We’re all human.

But I can’t forget. I can’t move on. I feel like I’m on a sinking ship. I could try to save myself, but I’m paralyzed. The anxiety of the situation is crippling. I’m alone in an ocean.

Focus. Think rationally. Crawl your way back out. Find safe ground. Put it in the past. Life’s not over. Forgive, but don’t forget. Learn from your mistakes.

Easier said than done. I’ll set my feet down, try to relax. Listen to some music. Go somewhere. Talk to someone. Clear my head.

But I don’t know if I can look at myself in the mirror anymore. At least not the same way. I’m sitting in the lobby wondering where it went wrong. Where the pieces were scattered and if it’s possible to put them back together.

I guess all we have is the present. If I don’t want this to happen again, I have to realize it. I’ll try again.

Translucent Battleground

Last year I was living underground.

Today, I face a battleground.

I wake up every morning and march towards war.

I drug myself to withstand the day.

I err and self injure.

But I’m thankful to have this opportunity.

I dreamt of being in this position all my life.

And this is where I need to be.

I’m changing so quickly it’s hard to recognize myself.

But I’m converging towards something.

I am improving and gaining knowledge.

I’ll wake up one day and know what I want.

And I think.

That will be enough.

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Broken Carousel

Life is a marathon and it doesn’t last forever. We need ethics to maximize its potential.

But what if we didn’t adopt the ethics of our parents? Then we need to create our own.

But there’s so many distractions. We have to experiment and inevitably fail. This is one curse of millennials.

Without religion we need something to keep us grounded, a core of beliefs. Philosophy offers that, even craft.

But neither is enough. Family is what we’re missing. We need to create one. Our parents won’t live forever, and we need help throughout life. We have to find, choose, and earn the support of others.

Easier said than done. Imagery surrounds us, full of antipathy and hedonism when we could use more empathy. Lack of vulnerability and communication seems to increase.

Being connected doesn’t always bring us closer. Real relationships take time and investment. They require bridging understanding and sometimes compromise.

You can’t win em all. But you can pick your battles and do them right. There’s room for error in social pursuits. Ask questions. Use the Socratic method. Tackle your own presumptions and biases.

There’s no quick answers to difficult questions. We can only keep trying and be open minded. Life goes on and there’s a stationary spot for each of us.Polomljeni-ringispil-na-pla++i-A-broken-carousel-on-the-beach.jpg

Cold Winds

I sat on the parapet overlooking the fruits of the past year’s labor. What a wonderful harvest, I thought. Now begins a winter of plenty.

But looks were deceiving, and beneath each fruit lay dark worms. Insidious in appearance and poisonous to touch, the surplus was squandered.

I would bear through winter with meager rations, forced to scavenge off the environment to survive. Tis a shame, but luckily, I was not completely unprepared.

When I was five my mother gave me a jade necklace. She told me to hold on to it when she wasn’t there and I needed help. I grabbed the jade stone and held it tightly.

Strength within oneself is the most useful virtue, because the ebbs and flows of life do not protect you from pain or joy. I sat there on the parapet and took a deep breath.

This won’t be the last time I’m here. But I will not fail today.Cold_winds_dancing_over_the_Gilgit_Baltistan_Mountains.jpg

Life is Strange

If we could rewind time, would the same moments surprise us?

I bet they would.

Life is strange.

Last summer I sat on the ground in an underground train station in Vienna and a million thoughts poured through my head. You could call it inspiration, but I haven’t felt anything like that since. Even if I want to write I hit blanks. Not to say my mind hasn’t been active, it’s just been stuck on the other side. Pure logic, rationality –  the things that make life run.

But I want something more. I want to feel. I want to experience. But this side of me has felt numb. I keep searching, but the light is always shined on the path behind me.

Pleasant surprises are always better than meeting expectations, but only one seems readily available. I know if I could rewind time and experience everything again it would feel just as amazing.

But reliving the past isn’t possible. Forging a new one with new pleasant surprises is.

I think the answer to finding newfound bliss is people. More than things or places.

I don’t even know you but I miss you.

Life is strange.

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